Maybe Give These A Miss: Dubious Goods for Dubious Futures.

Catalogue #1 in our Proud Partnership Programme with Bardic Planet.

Here at Dubious Derivatives™ Limited, your wellbeing is our… third priority. (Right behind profit margins and plausible deniability.)

Still, we know that being a protagonist is hard work—what with all the reincarnations, cursed contracts, and suspiciously convenient power-ups. That’s why, in a proud partnership with Bardic Planet, we’ve scoured the realms to bring you goods and services that will almost certainly change your life…

Whether that change is for the better? Well, that’s for fate, chance, and our legal teams to fight over.

So please, browse our humble catalogue. We’re confident you’ll find something that glitters. And, as we all well know, all that glitters is gold…

…Yeah.

That’s definitely the saying. No need to fact-check it. We’re professionals.

Legal Note: Neither Dubious Derivatives nor Bardic Planet accept any responsibility for blindness, maiming, temporal dislocation, unwanted immortality, reincarnation into inconvenient species, or any lasting emotional trauma caused by our goods or services. Use at your own peril. And thank you for your continued gullib—custom.

1. Protagonist System UI… The Basic Plan.

Reincarnated without a soul-bound UI?

Fated to greatness but forgot to tick the “stats screen included” box?

Worry not—Dubious Derivatives™ has your back. With our Basic Plan, you’ll get all the features you think you need, and none of the ones you actually want.

• Health bar updates only once per week.
• Quest log written in incomprehensible legalese.
• Random stat penalties for “character growth.”
• Pop-up ads that cannot be closed.

All for the low, low cost of your dignity and three easy monthly payments…

Of your soul…

We want your soul.

2. Budget Brand Plot Armour.

Fantasy worlds are all the rage.
Everyone’s getting in on them.

But before you take the plunge in front of a truck (sold separately), you’ll want to make sure you’re protected. That’s where Dubious Derivatives™ comes in.

Our Budget Brand Plot Armour offers all the illusion of safety with none of those pesky guarantees.

Once again, Dubious Derivatives has you covered.

Literally.

Just don’t turn around too fast… because it will fall off.

3. H.P. Potions (Hip Points, Not Hit Points)

You asked for survival. We kinda heard you.

Introducing Dubious Derivatives™ H.P. Potions—the only potion on the market guaranteed to boost your style… while you’re bleeding internally and begging for death.

• +10 to swagger while bleeding out.
• Temporary aura of cool that distracts enemies (but not their weapons).
• Heals exactly zero wounds, but your death pose will look incredible.
• Comes in flavours like Graveyard Grape and Last Breath Lemon

Side Effects May Include: dry mouth, wet face, flatulence, bloating, diarrhoea and constipation (it sort of shoots back up inside you—honestly, we can’t work it out), numbness to the exterior, spontaneous wart growth, limbs sprouting from said warts, and an uncontrollable desire to praise the sun.

We’re all going to die, so leave a styling corpse.

4. Try Your Luck: Truck-Sama Delivery Service.

So you’ve gathered the essentials for your other-world adventures. But now the big question: how are you going to get there?

Dubious Derivatives™ has just the thing you need.

With Dubious Derivatives™ Truck-Sama™ Delivery Service, we promise nothing more—and nothing less—than a high-speed rendezvous with several tons of steel.

See promotional material for features, fine print, and evasions of liability.

5. Eternal Contract of Destiny.

Wait… the truck actually worked? Reincarnated and everything?

Well, I’ll be damn—

I—uh—I mean, of course it did.

We here at Dubious Derivatives™ aren’t a bunch of crooked shysters. That’s why you can trust us with your future.

With our Eternal Contract of Destiny, you’ll enjoy:

• Guaranteed role as The Chosen One (moral alignment & tenure may vary).
• Destiny clauses so binding even your great-grandchildren will owe late fees.
• Complimentary talking weapon that refuses to shut up.
• Prophecies delivered in vague, unhelpful riddles.
• Instant enrolment in the nearest cosmic war—no opt-out available.
• Free “tragic backstory” upgrade, applied retroactively.

Warning: cancellation fee may include, but is not limited to, forfeiture of soul, heirs, or narrative relevance.

Customer Testimonials:

Still not convinced? Listen to these glowing reviews from our satisfied (and still mostly alive) customers!

SHOP TODAY!

📞 Call 1-800-DUBIOUS (that’s 1-800-382-467) if any of our fine products or services catch your eye. Note: eye not returnable.

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